the shelah marie

encouraging healthy women from the inside out.

The Road to NYU: My Greatest Fear

*This is entry four in The Road to NYU series. Just short entries about my the steps I’ve taken in moving to New York and attending New York University. Check out entries one, two and three.

Can I be honest for a minute? Great.

I move in New York City and start classes at Tisch School of the Arts in almost exactly four weeks. I’m excited and terrified.

Just for fun, I’ve decided to list a few things that have been keeping me up at night lately. Feel free to provide answers  -- or just make fun of me.

  1. What if I look like an airport idiot? How am I going to get my stuff from the airport to the dorm? Better yet, how am I going to lug two suitcases in the airport in the first place? Last time I did that I looked like a complete fool with one piece of rolling luggage in each hand side swiping each other every couple feet. Then I would have to roll the one who got knocked over back on it’s wheels and keep trekking for another few feet. Rinse and repeat.You really should have seen it.
  2. Aren’t New Yorkers supposed to be the nastiest people on earth? What if they eat my soul?
  3. Where will I work out?
  4. What if my roommate is messy!?! Y’all just might see me on “Snapped” if that shit happens.
  5. I will owe Rumplestilskin --- I mean, Sallie Mae my first born.
  6. How on earth will I style my fro in cold weather?
  7. How will I ever find people to hang out with that are as grounded, real, and as beautiful as my friends?
  8. What if I get lost? Not talking street directions here.
  9. What if I hate NYC and it’s not for me?
  10. What if I fail?

The other night I had a dream. It was a sunny day and I was mountain biking up a very, very steep cliff and it was taking every piece of energy that I had to keep going.  I was pushing one pedal, then the other, the pace was rhythmic and soothing somehow. When I actually caught a real sight of how high I was and how steep the mountain was I realized that I must maintain focus to get to the top. Once, I thought to look back (for what, I don't know) and almost fell off the cliff entirely. Then I woke up.

The word “fail” is so subjective anyway, but you really only succumb to failure when you don’t try again. And I think I have a pretty good sense of what this game is all about. I’m not claiming I’ll be rich and famous in a year, but I do know I’ll be closer to my definition of success: Securing creative work in theater or film that makes me financially comfortable enough to have the creative freedom to take risks in works that truthfully reflect the lives of those in my community. (Breath). I just want to be able to do what I love and make money at the same time.

And since we’re being honest, I would also like a certain amount of notoriety for it.

Hmpf. I said it.

So as you can see from my weak-ass list of worries: 1). I’m wasting brain power on not being productive. 2). Worrying has never preventing anything from coming to pass. 3). What I’m most scared of, is myself.

Spaceships don't come equipped with rear view mirrors anyway. (Breathe)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

-Marianne Williamson