Can I be real for a second?
This is the most challenging thing I've ever done. Not having any free brain space, always being on call any time of time day or night, thinking about receiving and paying out large sums of money, wondering if the show is "good enough" -- I'm tired. I want to be like "OMGEASH I'm so excited to be producing and acting in a play I wrote! How cool!" Which is true, somewhere in my mind -- but what feels most true right is is pure overwhelm. I'm navigating all the different performances: Shelah as confident producer pitching her show, Shelah as invested actress in rehearsal, Shelah as business woman negotiating a fee. And sometimes it all falls down. Well, not completely. Most times everything "works out" but not without a good dose of trauma first.
This the first time I've attempted something this grand. The Flight has been booked at The University of Northern Iowa, Furman University, The African Burial Ground National Monument New York and is having it's New York City Premier at Dixon Place. It's exciting when I think about it, but this process has been terrifying. Not he immediate kind of terror you'd feel of you were in the jungle being chased by a tiger -- but the kind of fear you'd experience if you spent a night in the jungle alone. You snap your neck in the direction of the slightest noise and maintain an ancient sense of I'm alert because shit could get real at any second. At any second the stage manager could drop at in the middle of a rehearsal (true story). At any moment you could hire a new stage manager who misses tech week (another true story). At any moment you break down in cry unexpectedly when another NYC theater owner says something like, "your play is about what? Who are you again? No, we're booked till June" (click). Or, at any moment you could get an email that gives you free space, at a theater you really love, or develop a relationship with someone who you know you will work with again.
So, I totally understand that this is a moment for me to be grateful -- and I am. But I wouldn't be honest if I said I never felt like throwing the towel in. I won't though, because I know much better than that.
Until next time,